Relational Counseling & Consulting takes a uniquely holistic approach to relationships.
Holism means that the whole is greater than and different from the sum of the parts.
The whole of a relationship is made up of three main parts: the I, or the self, the you, or
the other, and the between.
The between is the space that we and all things inhabit.
For more than two millennia it didn’t. The ruling ideology in science, known as atomism, conceived of space as empty and void. In the last 100 or so years, physicists have learned that space is not empty at all. It is actually full of energies that matter and make a difference in everything from the actions of subatomic particles to the movement of planets.
It means that there are unseen energies that impact and make a difference in human relationships. In the human sphere these energies are not only physical, but also social, moral, temporal, and spiritual. If the between and its energies are left out of any theory of psychology or psychotherapy, an incomplete understanding of relationships will be the result.
Martin Luther King Jr. once famously stated that “there is a moral arc to the universe and it bends toward justice.” This would be an example of a moral energy that exists in the space between individuals, that attracts people toward justice and repels people from injustice. Whether it is people in the southern states in the early 1960s, South Africa in the early 2000s, or American colonists in the late 1700s, people find themselves affronted by unfair treatment and are prone to react against it. We see this moral energy at play in marriages, parent-child relationships, organizations, and societies. This small force in the between, inclines people toward what is right and just.
The self, other, and the between are always in dynamic relation and it is that dynamism among the parts and the whole that makes the whole greater than and different than the sum of the parts.
It means that every part of the whole is affecting and affected by every other part at all times. Think of the bubbles you would blow with your straw in your glass of chocolate milk as a kid. As the conglomeration of bubbles grew in the glass and eventually reached up to and over the rim of the glass, all the bubbles were constantly changing. If one popped, all the bubbles shifted and changed in their sizes and shapes. If another filled with air, the other bubbles all moved and adapted. Any change anywhere affected every bubble everywhere, even if you couldn’t see the change. Similarly, any change in the self, the other, and/or the between impacts the other parts and the whole of the relationship simultaneously.
It means that the parts constrain possibilities. The moral arc of the universe bends toward justice, but it does not cause people to act justly. It just makes action against injustice a stronger or specially-favored possibility. Similarly, when I get on an elevator, the social norms for elevator behavior favor me turning toward and facing the door, but I could do otherwise. I could face the back. When a person yells at me in my face, like a drill sergeant might do, I am impacted and affected by this, whether I want to be or not, and some emotions are more favored than others as a response, like anger and embarrassment. I can’t help but be impacted, and I can’t help that certain emotions are favored, but I am not determined to respond in only one way. Some things are more possible and likely than others, but as a matter of constraint not cause.
It means that the focus of holistic relational therapy is always on the dynamics at play among the self, others, and the between.
It means that the therapeutic treatment we employ and the outcomes we work toward are always relational. It also means that the relationship of the client, therapist, and the between of the therapy context is the engine and change agent of greatest importance in therapy and it provides the chief means for clients to practice healthy and productive holistic relational living. Our practice in therapy will help you be a stronger, more conscientious, and effective partner in the relationships of your life.
Often, the work will entail identifying and targeting the problematic dynamics that are creating difficulties and challenges in your everyday life and processing those dynamics together to bring about healthy and positively functional relational outcomes. This will include working together through more familiar dynamics like harmful cycles and codependence, as well as less familiar dynamics like the agency/constraint dynamic and the good/right dynamic, always with a focus on what is best for the relationship and its health and wellbeing (e.g., resilience, connection).